The big question?

I mentioned before that watching The Little Couple got us thinking.  Add to that this book I’m reading, Carried in Our Hearts and by golly if I don’t wanna just hop the next train to orphanville and get me a new kid to love!

To adopt again or not?  That’s the BIG question.  HUGE question!

When we started the process to adopt Macey we asked to be approved to adopt 2 children.  We got the approval but between the approval and finding Macey’s file, we didn’t come across any sibling pairs, nor did we wait for one to be referred to us.  I didn’t really give it much thought again until we were in the homestretch which in adoption means the paperwork is done and you just wait to go get your kid.  That lasted a month, maybe 6 weeks.  During that time, however, I started thinking about the next adoption. I even contacted our agency to find out how long we would have to wait before going for it again.

And then we got into the frenzied oh shit we aren’t ready to go to China to get our kid phase and forgot all about it.  Until a month or two ago.  We never put a cap on how many kids we want to have.  Before we got married we discussed it and I said 2 kids would be great to start with. Parker said 5.  Yep, 5 if you can believe it!  What guy says he wants 5 kids?  The guy that married this beautiful baby making body, that’s who!  I kid. Seriously.  The baby making part of this body gave out after just 2 measly kids.  Pfft.

Now here we are with 3 and life couldn’t be any better. Macey is nothing like we anticipated. Thankfully!  She’s amazing. She’s happy, bright, energetic, playful, spirited, brave and charming.  We’ve all fallen in love with her a million times.  She bounds into our bedroom in the morning with the biggest smile and it turns on the instant happy button in all of us.  We were a pretty damn happy foursome before she came but we are full of joy thanks to this little girl.

The boys have asked about adopting again a bunch of times.  Colby usually asks about getting another little sister. He and Macey are best buds and he has thrived in his new role as big brother.  Much to our surprise. We thought he would hate not being the youngest and flick boogers on his new sister.  Chase is on a kick of asking for someone older than him.  As he says “I want to know what it’s like to be a little brother.”  It may sound nuts to you all but I hear this and all I can think is that I want to give my kids the family that they want too.  Not just the family that Parker and I want.

There’s just so much in the way of making that decision right now.

What if the next child doesn’t transition as easily?  What if she isn’t as healthy?  What if it brings up insecurities in any of the other 3?

Is it even feasible to travel with 3 kids to another country to get ANOTHER kid?  I’m not even sure how we made it home from Hong Kong!  You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. It’s a stress and anxiety blurred memory.

We both would love to adopt again.  Macey has been such a gift to us as a couple and to our family that we would be honored to share our life with another little girl but we also know that it’s easy to make an emotional decision because we would be making it as a result of THE. BEST. POSSIBLE. OUTCOME.  And the best possible outcome only happens what, maybe 10-25% of the time.

We are also in the middle of big changes for our family.  We like to keep it interesting over here at the Colvin house!  I am doing a 20 week training program and will be opening up a small business early next year.  How can I possibly consider compiling another dossier right now?  For the first time in 7 years I will be taking 3 days a week for myself.  3! WHOLE! DAYS!  I will be gone at school from 7:30am to 8:30pm on Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays.  That’s going to be tough for me (to be away from the kids) and probably really hard on the kids (or am I in lala land assuming they’ll miss me?).  The last thing I want to do as their mom who is gone half the time is spend any of the time I am with them doing anything but focusing on them.  It wasn’t just the physical act of putting our dossier together last year but after was complete there was even more emotional capacity eaten up by the stress of doing things right, waiting, waiting, waiting, not sleeping knowing our daughter was in her crib alone with nobody to comfort her.  I hate to admit it but I was terribly distracted for at least 6 months.  I can’t do that to the kids right now.

There are so many other issues and questions to consider.  The bottom line is we are going to hold off deciding until about this time next year.  It will help to be a little further removed from the process and a little more settled with our family and careers.  We are smart enough to know if we were forced to decide right now we would definitely say yes.  But we need time to be able to fully evaluate, and ruminate on, the emotional and practical pros and cons.




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